Ryan

     Yesterday, my friend Darlene had a graduation party since she just received her Masters degree from EMU.  I see Darlene only a few times a year, but when she does have get togethers, I recognize the same people who gather with her, as Dar has been in my life for about 10 years now.  Last year, Darlene had a engagement party, same location, same set up, same music, same time of year as this year's grad party.  365 days ago, I went to the engagement party and sat with Dar's friend Sara, who was pregnant, due in February, and I myself was pregnant with Gabriel, due in March. 
     Now, a whole year later, I sat with Sara again, only she was holding Ryan, her 6 and a half month old.  I sat empty handed.  It was that moment that I missed Gabriel so much.  I miss him all the time, but there are some days where I still feel that ache, even if I do have a healthy little one inside of me.  Sitting next to Sara, my eyes were fixated on Ryan, and again I felt my own loss.
     When I first lost Gabriel, I kept thinking that a new and healthy pregnancy would be the cure all end all to this pain.  Well, now I finally have it, and I can tell you for sure, and many of you already know this, that it is not the cure all end all.  Last night was proof of that.
    I continue to pray that God takes care of me and this baby inside of me, and that February gets here so quick.  Each doctor appt brings anxiety and fear, and I am not enjoying that at all.  Once I get to 20 weeks with a healthy anatomy scan, I think I will relax more.  I am 15 weeks 3 days now.  40 weeks seems like an eternity away, especially when I live with all this fear.  I know how easily babies can be taken away....

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I have given this a lot of thought, as I have noticed that a lot of people who are pregnant decide to start new blogs and dedicate the original blog solely to the babes who the blogs were created for.  I have thought about it, and with every thought of this baby, Gabriel is always there in thought too.  So I have decided that I will just have one blog, this one, as Gabriel is looking out for me and his little sister or brother.

In fact, I haven't done much recording at all this pregnancy, something I will surely regret later on.  I just can't bring myself to get that excited yet.  I mean, I have all the reason in the world to be excited...3 GREAT ultrasounds, and so far, no cysts found on the baby, which sent me and Josh over the moon, but I don't fully believe that I will get to bring this baby home yet.  Josh and I are always talking about this baby ever so cautiously, and its something that a lot of people do not understand, unless, God forbid, they have had a loss.  I don't want to disappoint myself or others if I am ever, God forbid, told that there is no heartbeat.  Before every ultrasound, I can't sleep.  I get transported right back to that day when we found out Gabe was gone.  I constantly look at my stomach, to see if she's growing.  Its hard to tell, I definitely look different and have a tiny belly, but I want to make sure.  I don't want to get a dopplar, like so many people suggest, because if I can't find that heartbeat, I know I will flip.  I just want to get to a point, where I can actually believe it. 

I know you all understand.