Obsess Much?

Christmas came and went...and now I am just waiting for 2010 to get here. 

I actually did pretty well emotionally this Christmas, with only a few minor breakdowns...the obvious breakdown came on Christmas when my fantasy of being big-bellied under the Christmas tree was only ever going to be a fantasy.... some emotional moments were spawned from otherwise harmless comments that just cut me too deeply because I am no longer the same Megan who is oblivious to such harmless comments in conversation, replaced by a Megan who zeros in on meaningless comments and bawls her eyes out over them in the car...

 I was making cookies with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law and they were talking about how in the coming years the kids we have will be wanting to help make the cookies.  My M-I-L said, "Well, ya know, you girls will have all girls because Aunt so and so's kids had the boys...." 

It was a little meaningless comment, but it did enough to break me down in the car later that night. 

I had a boy....didn't I? 

Other things like that occured this holiday, such as my sister-in-law talking about the baby names she has dreamt of...and in-laws referring to the future Brady and Khloe who would someday be...and there I was, thinking of my loss.  Josh and I don't participate in the fictitious baby name discussions because...well, we had a son, who we named Chet....who we later changed to Gabriel...cause we wanted to save the name Chet for our living son. 

So last night, Christmas night,  I had a breakdown about that...about the guilt.  Like Gabriel has a fake name, like we changed it to a less perfect name because he wasn't worthy of the real name, because he made my life a living hell by getting a cyst and dying on me.   Sometimes, yes, my mind goes there...to evil places which spurns evil thoughts like that one.  I can't blame God, so I blame the myself.  I get told I can't blame myself, so I blame the baby.  In my calm state this morning, I know I can't blame the baby, so I go back to blaming God....its a vicious cycle...all spurned by a meaningless comment that damaged Megan zeroed in on to torture the otherwise sane Megan. 

I was also dealing with guilt last night over the half of bottle of wine I drank throughout the night.  Josh thinks I am pregnant, so he looked at me funny when his Dad offered some cherry wine, and I accepted...I am not going to act pregnant if I am not.  If I was, I obviously wouldn't drink.  As I am sitting there, enjoying that cherry wine, my sister-in-law complains that her stomach hurts again and that she has actually been fighting off a stomach bug for a day or two.  Immediately, my mind goes into panic - Is she pregnant???  I bombard my husband with this throughout the night...and eventually, he gets sick of my obsessiveness.  Then, I analyze my own body...am I pregnant? 

Do my breasts hurt?  Or is that from me poking them too much?
That twinge...is that implantation or just something I ate?
My temperature..  lets take that again...the higher the better....
That cramp...is my period coming or is that my uterus stretching? 

I can't do this anymore is the bottome line.  The obsessiveness about everything...the comments I zero in on, the forums I read about possible pregnancy symptoms, the charting, the wondering, the stressing,

The Anger. 

I have to let go of The Anger...an emotion so important in this whole mess that yes, it deserves caps. 
Anger has made me act this way...its not sadness that makes me act this way.  The Anger makes me jealous...The Anger makes me act insane....The Anger makes me need someone to blame.  The Anger makes me upset that I am not pregnant anymore or yet.  The Anger makes me wig out on small things, like that Khloe Kardashain might be pregnant.  Who cares!  She is a nobody celebrity in LA, and I watch her show on E just to feed The Anger....a small point to make in an otherwise important rant but its just to make the point...stupid shit makes me mad.....and I am mad because I don't have Gabriel. 

Before I can get happy about another baby, I do have to let that go.  And I have to stop googling about implantation cramps, temperature charts, and positive tests 7 days past ovulation.  Gabriel was supposed to teach me that I can't control everything, and to turn to the Lord for guidance..to trust in Him, and here I sit, 3 months later, trying to control everything...and getting upset again at the things I can't control. 

I need to feed into the hope, and leave The Anger behind, to indeed start living, my new life plan.

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below,
with tiny lights like heavens stars
reflecting in the snow

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
for I am spending Christmas
with Jesus this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear,
but the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
for it is beyond description
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart
but I am not so far away
we really aren't far apart.

So be happy for me dear ones,
you know I hold you dear,
and be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus this year.

I sent you a special gift,
from my heavenly home above
I sent you each a memory
Of my undying love.

After all love is a gift more
precious than pure gold
it was always most important
in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep eachother,
as my Father said to do
for I can't count the blessings or love
He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and
wipe away that tear,
remembering I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year. 

A Positive Sign

Today, I got my first positive on a Ovulation Predictor Kit.

To me, this was exciting, because the last 2 times I wasted the money on them, I have always gotten negative results and now this kinda confirms to me that I am not in fact, broken. 

So, stomach flu or not, Josh is getting attacked :-) 

I am doing all that I can to get this fall baby....and I am just praying for a little luck...for God's help on this.  The test this morning was a good sign.

I have been reading about women who are trying to conceive, some have online journals and post their chart results everyday, temperature, OPK results, stuff like that, and I never thought I would be one of those women, but like I said before, I am going to do everything in my power to pinpoint the time it can happen.  Maybe for my second earthly child, I can be more relaxed about it, like with Gabe. 

I am starting to feel a bit more festive, which is another positive sign.  I actually want to go do things and am happy being around people.  I went to my family Christmas party yesterday thinking it was going to be really hard, but I actually enjoyed myself, and had a great time talking to my mom in the car for the 3 hour drive there and back.  I found myself wanting to make plans, like seeing the lights before Christmas at the zoo, and today, I am kinda excited about getting the tree.  Last week if you would ask me if I was excited about anything Christmas, it would be written all over my face that I wish Christmas would just leave me alone. 

Sometimes I still hold onto my stomach as I sleep and I do wonder how big I would be by now. 

My Christmas wish?  That this positive sign I got this morning turns into another positive in 3 weeks. 

I finally felt fresh air....

Yesterday I took a day off of work because I had an appointment with a new OBGYN.  The appointment was at 2, but I figured if I was going to take a half day I might as well take a full one and sleep in. 

I was nervous for a few reasons, one being that this is a male doctor and although I have heard that he is wonderful, I have only ever seen a female OBGYN and I just didn't want my face to get red or feel uncomfortable.  Two, whenever I talk about my previous experience with Gabriel and the treatment I received from both my old doctor's office and Toledo Hospital, I tend to get mad and emotional, and I didn't want to look like an idiot in front of this man.  Third, I was nervous that he would tell me to not try for another baby until we do finally get a pathology report, like my previous doctor recommended.

I sat in his office waiting for him.  When he walked in, immediately my face turned red.  Crap, he isn't half bad looking.  I have to talk about periods with this guy?  Shit.

He looked at my chart, and then asked why I switched.  I didn't start my story from day 1...I just told him that I was a new mom, that was told that something was wrong with my baby, was given 25 medical possibilities for a cyst in a language that I did not understand, and then I was encouraged to terminate my baby.  I told him that I got a CVS without knowing what was wrong with my baby, because no one explained it to me.  I told him that every time I deal with my old doctors office, I get a different answer about his pathology report, or where his body even is.  The short of it, I was never mad at the doctors about his diagnosis, I was upset that I wasn't educated, taken care of, and time wasn't spent with my husband or myself explaining what was going on with Gabe when he was with me.  I felt alone. 

He told me that if this were to God forbid occur again, that we would have several "heart-to-hearts" about steps to take, and in detail, he went over my chart and he educated me about Gabe's cyst.  He talked to me about it like no one previously had before.  He said that his gut believes that this was a fluke and that it isn't genetic, but he wants to analyze the path report, whenever it shows up.  He encouraged Josh and I to begin trying for kids right away (we already are, but its nice to have my doctor's approval).  He sat with me for 45 minutes talking about how my next pregnancy will be different.  He introduced me to his staff, and told his secretary to personally call Toledo Hospital to obtain the path reports ASAP.  He told me he hoped to see me in a month or two with a positive test.

I walked out of there, and realized that I walked out of there happy, finally having approval to move on...
happy to have finally had a conversation about Gabriel that made me feel okay with his diagnosis...feeling like I am in good hands for the next one.  He made me not feel so scared about next time. 

It was like a breath of fresh air.  And today, I feel lighter. 

The Cat in the.....Basement?

Over Thanksgiving weekend, my cat became a sprayer. 

I have had Rocky, my cat, for 5 years now...and he has never once done this disgusting act that is spraying.  At first, I punished him and threw his spraying behind in the basement, and then I realized later on that this cat may actually need medical attention.

So I take Rocky to the vet, and it turns out that he has kidney stones and his bladder wall is thickened and apparently the vet is worried about his urethra.  All of a sudden, I get a rush of deja vu....bladder....urethra...tubes...ultrasound...not including the kidney stones, these are all things that I heard about with Gabriel. 

So then the vet brings in an ultrasound of my cat's bladder, and it is engorged (as apparently the cat is having troubles peeing) and there are stones and I just think....can't I take someone or something to the doctor and not have to worry about a bladder problem?

Rocky is still alive though and living a life of seclusion in the basement until his medication kicks in. 

In other news, I am not pregnant.  I thought I could be over Thanksgiving, as I was so tired and moody and crampy and thought that maybe I could be...and Josh was actually convinced of it.  I told myself that I was going to wait til I was one week late to test, but I am impatient and I got excited and tested three days late and got a negative.  I was not discouraged though, because I was four days late before I got a positive with Gabriel.  But then, my period came and squashed all possibility. 

I knew I wouldn't handle this one well.  This was the first month of trying, and I was for sure it would happen quick.  I cried and cried yesterday.  I just want to be happy so bad, and although I am blessed in so many ways, those blessings don't make me as happy as I was when I was pregnant.   I want the happy so bad.  I ache for the happy.  I ache for a beautiful, healthy baby with my husband. 

On top of all this, I finally got a call from my crappy doctor's office, and apparently, my baby never got moved to Cincinatti Childrens Hospital for autopsy like they told me he was for the last 8 weeks.  Apparently, my son is still here in Toledo.  Again, I feel lied to by this office.  Why can't anyone ever give me consistent answers about my baby?  Josh and I don't even care about the autopsy anymore.  We just want him buried.  We want him to rest in peace.  We want to rest in peace knowing he is not floating in a jar of preservation fluid.  He is not tissue to examine.  He is my son, he had a body, and a face, and little sweet tiny hands that waved so much during my 2 ultrasounds....and I don't want him in that hospital anymore. 

Looking back on it....I wish we would have buried him ourselves.  I need somewhere to visit (besides the deep black hole I crawl into within myself.) I want to see his name.  No one ever mentions his name except for Josh and I. 

GABRIEL CHESTER KOSAKOWSKI.  Our son.