5 Weeks

Its been 5 weeks since I found out Gabriel was no longer with us and that I delivered him.

To tell you the truth, I didn't think about Gabe all day.  I got up, went to school, was incredibly busy most of the day, had parent-teacher conferences until 7, didn't leave school til 7 30 ish.  Listened to loud loud music on the way home because I was so tired from a 12 hour day...saw Josh and gave him a kiss and he said, "I miss Gabriel today..."  and that is when I realized..I had my very first day of not thinking about him. 

I had mixed emotions about this- is it too early to not think of him for an entire day?  So I felt bad.  Then, I thought...I made it through an entire day and was happy for the most part...what a milestone!  Now, ever since Josh said that he missed Gabe, he is all I can think about.

Tomorrow, Josh and I are leaving for a weekend trip to Gettysburg.  I am leaving school at 3 and we are highway bound.  Its our kickoff weekend to trying again.  Again, I have mixed emotions.  I want to try again so badly, but the part of me who is a rule follower says that I should wait for the autopsy report...then there is the passionate part of me that is saying, "follow your heart, Meg, go and let God."   

I am going to listen to my heart on this one.  Doctors aren't God, even if they think they are. 

Speaking of doctors, I called my OBGYN's office yesterday.  When I had Gabriel, they told me to call after the 4 week mark if I hadn't heard from them yet to get Gabe's autopsy report.  Well, since we are at 5 weeks, I called.  The lady on the phone was very rude to me...Ma'am, we told you to call after 8 weeks.  Do you not realize that the test results are coming in from Cincinatti?  It takes awhile.  You are calling way too early. 

They never told me 6-8 weeks.  And the rudeness at doctors offices has got to stop.  It really infuriates me.  I have decided to leave that practice and my doctor.  Even if they did tell me 6-8 weeks, (which they didn't) why does it take that long?  He was 3 and a half inches long.  JUST TELL ME IF IT WAS THE BLADDER OR NOT.  I just don't understand why it has to take that long. 

I will be calling other practices tomorrow.  Who knows, after this weekend, I could be pregnant again really soon :-)  (pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease)



please God......please.....